Just thinking...for good or bad...

Here I am again..

Typing away at my computer...

I have tried so hard to change. But I can feel it deep down inside of me, eating away. Perhaps it's the stress, or the let down that in some area's I have failed.
I try hard in school, but I know it was never hard enough. Just sometimes I just can't seem to win.

I just check my marks in one of my coarses, it is called Systems.
It was only a half a year coarse, but we had 3 assignments pluas and exam that were each worth alot. The final verdict is quite simple, if I get 50% on the exam I will end up with a 52% final mark. If I get 100% on the exam I will end up with a 72% mark. Ya....

So you can guess that it is a little depressing. My final project was worth 30% of my final, and my group got 42%. I put so much effort in to that and still I failed miserably. Now I have to write another exam tomorrow, which is only woth 10%, but I have no idea what I am studying. There are like 300 pages and none of them give me direct information. *sigh*

As I sit at my desk, there it is....that little spark of hatred...
The stress is gettig to me...and I wish I was back in high school where this week would be the easiest thing in the world for me. My music only drives me to want what I can not have.

It's ticking again...

The clock in my mind...

Counting down always...

I just want to let go and go bac to being depressed and miserable, think how easy and worthless it would be. Blaming the world for my problems. HA! What loser does that? This is my fate and I will raise up my shield and defend myself for what ever hell this world desires to cast me into.

Wanna know what I dream about?
Do you really wanna know?

I close my eyes and enter the depths of my mind.

I'm laying on a soft bed, in a dimly lit room. A fire place gives of most of the light and heat in the room, as I hear the creacks of the flames dancing acorss the wood. This house, this place is far away from everything. It is here I am bound to live, here I am bound to my happiness. As I slowly open my eyes a soft hand touches my head, their fingers running acorss my hair, scratching my head. A small tear escapes my eyes. The one thing I can not get enough of is affection, and I move my head closer to their hand. I close my eyes completely content..

This is my mind...

For as twisted as it may get, I assoicate my love for someone with devotion...

Well I survive, thanks to friends and my music..

"I will impersonate a man,
His name, Alan Sotehana...
A country gentalmen no longer young,

Being retried he has much time for books,
He studies them from morn to night..
And often through the morn and night again...

All he reads oppresses him,
Fills him with igdignation,
of mans muderous ways towards man...

He ponders the problem...

How to make better a world where
Evil brings profit
And virture non at all...

He lays down the mel conning burdon of Sanity..
And conceives of the strangest project ever imagined...

To be come a knight erand.

To sally forth to roam the world,
In search of adventure...
To right all wrongs...
To mount a crusade...
To raise up the weak and those in need...

No longer will be playing Alan Sotehana

But a dauntless knight known as
DON QUIJOTE OF LA MANCHA!!!"