The Chronicals of the Controller

Suffering...

2005-04-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

Kiss me in the sun…
Away from all the darkness…
But in the end I know the truth…
I feel so empty…
I know I am not empty , but my mind tell me differently…
It is creating it’s own pain…
Because no pain exist…
No more tragedy…
Perhaps that is what it is waiting for….
Something terrible…
For pity…
For a reason to hate…
I don’t have a reason…
Could it be that I like it when I suffered?
I could use the darkness…
When I suffer speak of happiness
When I fell happiness I await suffering.
I feel this is how I shall die…
In search of Happiness…
Or desiring suffering…
What have I done to myself?
Why cant I go back in time.
To a point when this all started…
To change the past…
Why cant I?

I am here...

2005-04-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Dear world...

I must warn you that I have every intension of rambling on in this blog entry. I have no reaosn not to. I sit here at 12:30 in the morning, in my room. A room I will be in for only a few more days, then is will be back to home. A world where I will get a job, and work the summer away. I have 2 exams left, and as I sit here I can already feel the comming doom. If I fail any of my coarses it of coarse will be my own fault, but I will not just be letting down my self but my parents as well. They did pay for my first year of University, and gave me a lot of money for projects. If I failed for one reaosn or another, I will have wasted everything they gave me over the past 7 months. To error is human. And against all test that is what I am. This year I have bought alot of yugioh cards, and as I think back now I ask myself was it worth it? I paly my brother about 4 times a week, and about every 6 months I play some other people. In the end it is a game that will die off. I would like to one day when I am older and have kids call up Nate, who I hope would be living near by, and ask him to get out that old box with his cards in them. I kids wouldnt understnad what we were doing. But we would. We could laugh. Heh. Nate living next to me. Such is my prefect world. Perhaps that is what I will ramble on about now. Yes I think I shall...

So a perfect world? By this time I am 35. I live in a decent sized house on a court. This area is on the edge of town, not in the crowded center. I live with the love of my life Caley, who would be dressed each moring in her suit off to the Law firm which she is part of. I say goodbye to my children as they catch the bus. My two boys and little girl, as they run out the front door on a warm spring day. Seeing them makes me wonder if this how my father felt when he watch us grow up. I sit at the kitchen table and drink my tea, I never had a taste for coffee. I kiss Caley good bye and she heads off to work. I am the head of my own architectual firm, and always had a bad habit as someone said in class of "showing up fashionably late". I walked out the front door and looked around the coart at the houses. I knew who lived in each one of them. For we were such close friends. I hear the door open next door to see Nathan, age 34, walk out with his son and daughter on his way to drive them to school. They missed the bus again. I smile and say hello. Nate is the producer of some very popular tv series. Across the street Jenn goes to her car with her latest fashion design. He Daughter made it to the bus on time. and Jenn waves and says "Hey Jon" as she drives by. Adam of coarse also lives on this court. But his two daughter and son go to school with their mom, who is a teacher at the school. Jakki who is advertising stubmles out to her car followed by her four children. Her husband kisses her good bye as she drives off to her job. I walk back in the house and put on my jacket and get in my own car. I phone over to the firm and tell them I will be a little later than usual. I drive over to my parents house and say hello, and stop in for a visit. As I drive away I look into the clear blue sky and think of how wonderful life is. Our lives have become busy, and there is no longer time to sit around and type on blogs. But it is a wonderful life.

I cant wait for it. There will be struggles...hard times, but in the end everything works out the way it should.

I cant wait.

Crazy Dreams....

2005-03-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

Well last night I once again entered the crazy world of my dreams...

I was in a school, and this was no ordinary school. If I had to guess it seemed a lot like Hogwarts, but more twisted than a Dr. Zues book. There we for main levels, 2 were evil and 2 were good. The thing was there were so many passages that finding a paticular level was confusing. An example would be if I want to get from one light level to the other light level. I would go through this hidden door, down some stairs in to a small corridor, to go acorss that hall to stairs that went up, but those lead to the evil level, and then up one more to get to the second good level again. I had to go down, up, up, to get to the floor above me. Anyways, things were weird here.

I had to fight some monsters who borke into the school to steal a book of time, that could tell the future if you could read it's language. They were attacking students, and one paticular girl who could read the book. I stepped up and told them to stop. So I challenged them. They could turn into any monster and I would summon one to fight them. I glanced at the book of time, and for some reason I could read the pages and I saw that the outcome of winning meant I had to summon the creature listed there, though I said the spell I do not think I will ever remember it's name. So I summoned it, not knowing what it would do, and to my suprize it attached itself to my enemy and began a countdown time. Then as the time reached zero the monster it was attached to exploded. So the others left.

Needless to say it was extreamly crazy, and as we were walking through all the rooms I kept saying that Hogwarts was never this bad. As if I had once gone to that school..

Phantom? Did you say Phantom?

2005-03-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

So I was on Gaia, when I cam across a Phantom of the Opera Guild. I decided that it would be nice to join. But to join you have to send the guild a letter telling why they should let you in.

Heh....

why should they let me in?

This what I wrote:

Heh...

Lot 666....a chandelier in peices...

I am a Phantom of the Opera nut. I dressed up as him for Halloween, creating a mask that perfectly fit my face. I have been to the stage production in 3 different countries. I own all 5 versions of the Phantom of the Opera song. I sneak into churches just to play the Phantom Oveture on the Organ. I draw the Phantom in Anime all the time. I call my girl friend the Angel of Music becasue she can sing, and on every anniversary I give her a single red rose with a black ribbon tied around it.

If it wasn't for my sence of logic I would go around claiming I was the Phantom.

This is where I belong.

Oh if only I was normal ^-^
Thank you.

Waiting...

2005-03-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

What am I waiting for?

No particularly a question of when but what.

I am not waiting for time to pass, nor a time to come.

I am merely waiting.

This is what one does in this world.

Wait…

You wait all the time.

For the train, for food, for communication.

But why are you waiting?

Because you must.

Because you must wit away your life.

Everything takes time, your time.

My time.

However for me I am waiting for something.

Yes a something.

An explanation that only creates a substance.

Giving it no form and no definition.

My what?

My paradise.

A place, not a time…

Where I can find my eternal happiness.

And I will not have to waiting anymore in this world.

A place where I can be with those I love.

My place.

Their place.

I want to grasp it in my hand.

That feeling.

Oh I have experienced it a few time.

For a little while.

But some of those memories can no longer be repeated.

Time has made sure of that.

So what am I waiting for?

For the Sunrise to more across my face,

And greet me with it’s warmth.

For the days to come when I will no longer have to wait.

For that place, anymore.

It’s coming…

It is just a matter of waiting.

His name was Controller....

2005-03-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

Catch up with the present...

2005-02-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ok ok....

So I know I have a lot to catch up with, but what do you want. It's not like some person out there is hanging on to my blog entries like it's their only reason for living. One can only hope.

But the last 2 weeks have been 'intresting'. HAHAHAHAHA....'intrestring'.....

Well our story starts off two weeks ago, the week of Febuary 14, a week that will BURN FOREVER!!! To start off I was sick from staying up all night on Sunday to finish a project. So I was dying. I also had a huge project due friday that I worked till 12 of Tuesday one. Then on Wendsday I had an in class assignment. Then all wendsday I spent studying for my Mid term on Thursday, then I stayed up all night Thursday to finish the Project due friday. And friday came and I got to go home!!! Although I got about 3 hours of sleep, I was running on back up energy and didn't sleep until friday night.

ENTER READING WEEK!!

So I spent Saturday with Caley and we had a great time. She cooked dinner and a cake, and it was so wonderful. Then on Sunday, Nate was supposed to come up, but didn't. Loser. Then monday I started scanning photo's for my dad, and we had Jenn's birthday. Nobody but me, Jenn, Caley and Noelle showed. *Sigh* Then tuesday I did photo's again, went to Caley's and the slept over at Jenn's. Wensday I went to work with my mom. Thursday I picked up Caley from school and she cam over, and Friday I brought her over too. Saturday I got my hair cut, and we had a family night with movies and games, Sunday I saw Caley, scanned photo's and came back here.

NOW I WANT TO CRY!!!

to much work....
I have 10 projects that I know about to do.

However in 9 more days I am off to Florida, and that will be great!

The Fox Demon Dream....

2005-02-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

I was there with my friends. We seem to be in the middle of no where, resting on some large ruins. I remember a large rock I was sitting on, and to my right an old stone wall. Then out of no where before me came a demon, who looked very much like a human, and she was carrying a small girl, who looked as though she was no older than ten. The girl was badly injured and we all rush towards the demon. The demon told us the girl was dying and if we wanted to help her we would have to trade something for the girl. When we offered the demon refused, and so we asked what she wanted. She smirked and told me she needed a lock of my hair. Slightly hesitant, but knowing we need to save the girl,
I walked towards her and let her cut off a piece. The moment the demon did I knew something was wrong. I was changing. The Demon laughed and dropped the girl, before disappearing. My head started to hurt and I fell to my knees, as my friends gathered around me or help the girl. They asked what was wrong, but in my mind I was going insane. My eyes, my ears, every part of me started to hurt. My ears changed so they looked like that of a fox and I grew a fox tail. Something inside me told me to run, but I barely got 20 feet before I collapsed onto the floor.

I then awake in my dorm room, with a cool towel on my head. The next part is more of a blur, but I go on some little mission, sneaking around my dorm room trying to stop someone from doing something.

Then there was some guy who had a pet dog who was supposed to help me, because my mind and body still hurt from the demon transformation. I layed on the bed and he cast some spell that filled my body with a sharp pain then it was all gone. My hair turned white and I had the ability to turn invisible. Of coarse I still had my fox ears and tail. Then I woke up.

My heart..

2005-02-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

I went to the mall today, and as I was leaving via the underground walkway that takes you to the subway, I was stopped by to young girls. Now they didn't really stop me, but as I walked between two sets of doors they said "excuse me do you have a toonie?" I stopped and they then explained that they needed it for the subway to get home. Well I gave one to them. Yes I gave money to someone I didn't know. They needed it more than I. Then again perhaps they just take advantage of certain peoples kindness and are going to go spend the money they get on cigarettes. I don't care. The point of all this is that I have changed. 6 months ago I wouldn't have even stopped when they said 'excuse me'. My cold heart wouldn't have even given them a second glance. But I did. My bleeding hearts stopped for them. This will have been the second time I have given money to someone I don't know in this school year. Guess it's my hearts new weakness. Pity. Knowing that if I was in their shoes I would hope someone would stop for me. Guess my stone heart towards the would has begun to crack. For the better or worse? Only time can truly tell...

So many things to do...so litte time...

2005-02-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like writing something emotional. Something filled with feeling. But all that comes to mind are sad thoughts. What do I do? What do I write? Guess I should try and forget my mind and let my heart speak for a change.

It's unfair.

Life it so unfair.

One shot.

Once chance.

And as I sit here I am thinking that I am wasting time.

That limited time I have.

You know if you really think about it, every moment of your day you should spend doing something. Even when you are eating, you could be doing something. T.V. sucks out your life, and I am sad to say it so does the computer. Chatting on msn, or typing on Gaia is a waste. At the end of the day you have achived nothing. When you talk on the phone you should be doing something. Writing this is taking away from a part of my life, becasue it really doesn't mean anything tommorow. Things change too fast, people grow up, and grow old. When was the last time you told your friends how much they really mean to you? When was the last time you said I love you to your Parents and really in your heart meant it. It was nothign casual. It was from the heart. You don't wanna look back and say "I don't think I said I love you near enough". I play video games, in a race to beat them. I've acompished a goal. But it really doesn't do much for me. It's a race, you finish one to get to the next, never wanting to waste time, but you are. That time could be spent with people.

One shot..

I've only got once chance. I would like to sleep in tommorow, and skip class, but you know what? I need to learn, I need a purpose. I shouldn't look forward to sleep, or a time when I am doing nothing. I should look forward to the hear and now.

And although I am just as sure I will go on the internet, just as I am sure the sun will rise, I know little by little it is time for me to change.

Now I have been having some trouble find an inspiration to create. I want to draw demno candy, but I feel like I got nothing left. So I will talk about it for a moment or two.

What was it originally about?

Well the answer is simple. Me as a Incubus, who was sought after by all demons, and I wore some sort of leather outfit. Well that wasn't that simple. It was an output for what I wanted. To be sought after. For everyone to want me. To love me.

What is it about now?

At this point it is more or less becoming more and more likethe intro to a larger series. But this one has it's own closing. Jonathan (you notice how I don't refere to him as me anymore) and his new friends try to free themselves from the demonlords, while all the time becoming closer and acomplishing their goals.

The second subplot is about the Demon Candy it self. The Demon Candy is the reincarnation of an ancient demon who was been sealed away by Lucifer and Omni. The seals on his prison can only be opened when his reincarnation taps into his power. So unsuspectingly Jonathan is unlocking the Demon prison when he gains his awesome power. However who ever posses Jonathan's heart and body gains the power of the ancient demon, so although they don't relise it right away the demons are after Jonathan becasue he is the Demon Candy. Citoria, a projected form of the ancient Demon guides Jonathan, as well as help him out, for her wants his own revenge on the DemonLords. In the end, the final seal is broken and the Prison breaks and the story of Demon Candy ends with our heros not knowing this.

The Third plot is a love plot. A succubus falls in love with Jonathan and his innocent attitude and although he doesn't fall for her obsesive love right away he realizes that she really does love him for who he is and not becasue he is the Demon Candy. However she is a full demon (she was once an angel) and does not posses a soul, so she can never return to being a human and if Jonathan changes back she will remain immortal and live on with out him. Thus making Jonathans decision to become human again a difficult one.

WOW!! That's alot of stuff to take in.

But I wanted to write it out.

I think I am done for the night. Lots to do tommorow.

Till then..

What is happening.....

2005-02-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

Tell me.....

What is happening?

What is this place?

I do not remember...

When I started this blog so long ago it was meant to be known to no one.
To be my retreat of solitude. When I could no longer keep my secrets, and exspell them under a fake indentity. An identity of anger and sorrow. Someone filled with hatred for this world, and all those who in habited it. Guess that is only a part of me.

Then I fell in love with Caley. And I had no reason to hate the world anymore. I think to myslef of one reason and I have none. I lost my casue. Instead I am in love. The reason I hated the world was becasue it denyed me of that. Wouldn't you? But than again, who am I typing to right now? Myself again.

Strange how the world unfolds...

Once upon a time I claimed I was the Dragon Master. I believed in this so strongly that even if people thought I was joking, I wasn't. He was all I aspired to be. The greatest knight. But one day there was a shift.

I created Citoria.

It was just a drawing of me angry...and I turned his eye to black and added three slashes. What I would give if I never created him..

So then I kept creating more and more of a story about him, until he became my other half, a demon I was born to be equals with. A demon who wanted vengence on the world and God. Justice, his justice for all those who he claimed betrayed him. This worked for like 2 and a half years. Now he's nothing more than a character in a story. He is attached to me in the story, but not the real me anymore.

I can feel the anger, no the hatred leaving me. But it's leaving a void. A void that creates confusion. I already have a place for love and happiness within me, but this confusion, is causing stress that is driving me insane.

I feel as though I gave up my dream of the Dragon Master, to replace him with Citoria, and now I am so distant from him. I used to draw him all the time. But not anymore. People should know his name and not Citoria. I should have been him all those years.

Why did this happen Dragon Master?

Who knows.

I am jealous of the Jonathan in my drawings. For you see he is surrounded by friends. Perhaps it's becasue I am growing up, or the fact that I live in residence, but I wish I had my friends. But there always seems to betrouble betwee them.

What is happening to me?
Guess I'm just in a rut. Nothing to draw, no adventure, no dramatic tales to share.

How can I find this adventure?

Things just seem to be dying off....

I must find a way to stop it.

If there is a way...

This can't be my world...

2005-01-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

This can't be my world, it just can't be....
Too much anger...
Too much hatred...
I hate it....
This isn't the world I remember...
It's not the world I came home too...
Is there no where I can go?

Guess not...

This isn't my world..
It just isn't.........

Gaia Power....

2005-01-08T20:21:00.000-08:00

The Dark and light sides to me,

on Gaiaoniline..

Just a few drinks and then....

2005-01-06T13:37:00.000-08:00

He circled and stared...
Nervious and scared...
He knew both the thrill and the cost...

But he didn't think twice...
This amazing device...
Was the last chance to see what he lost...

Now if time is really a river...
And up stream is where he needed to be...

He set his sights on the past...
And finished his glass...
And when back in history...

To the casual it's a bar stool...
But it's really much more than it seems...
A few drinks and then...
She'll be with him again...

as he sits on the time machine...

Holiday Countdown....

2004-12-21T14:32:00.000-08:00

So it's holiday time...

"Here in an instance, gone in a flash" ~Jack Skelington

So it seems...

So here is the recap of my holidays so far....

Friday Decemeber 17...

After writing my last exam (english), I headed home only to rush to Mayfeild to see my friends and Caley. After exchanging gifts and hanging out I drove Caley home and headed to Nates house in Buffalo. There we played Halo 2 and deuled, and at about 11:30 at night we were sent out to find cream for our parents coffee.

Saturday Decemeber 18...

Waking up all night from Alarm clocks in Nates room we went back to playing video games, and then as a huge family we all went to the movies. Me and Nate saw Oceans Twelve and though it sucked. Then we headed back to his house where we ate pizza and Dueled with Adam and played Halo 2 online.

Sunday December 19...

Waking up eairly becasue someone forgot to close a window, I nearly freezed to death. I got up around 9 and went to church at 10. Going back to Nates we moves the TV and Xbox to his sisters room because his borther playes the drums so damn loud, and it's not even music. IT JUST NOISE!!! We got home around 11 and stayed up lazing around until 2.

Monday December 20...

Caley came over and we hung out together. We watched the second Dragon Heart movie before I had to take her home. Other than that I can not remember for the life of me what I did. -_-;;

Tueday December 21...

Me, Adam, and Jaclyn were home and we shoveled the drive way and cleaned. I went to the Dentist and later I went out shopping for last minute gift for my family. I used the gift certificate Noelle got me to buy a manga called Hellsing, and when I got home I wrapped my gifts.

Wensday December 22...

Got up and went to my mom's work where I loaded the van full of fire wood. At lunch time we went to the work lunch at the Mandarin and quickly drove back to Brampton to see the Phantom of the Opera movie. It was awesome. As we speak I am trying to get Kazaa to connect so I can try and download it. Then I went to Caley's house and went to watch her soccer game. So far it has been a non stop holiday!

Just thinking...for good or bad...

2004-12-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

Here I am again..

Typing away at my computer...

I have tried so hard to change. But I can feel it deep down inside of me, eating away. Perhaps it's the stress, or the let down that in some area's I have failed.
I try hard in school, but I know it was never hard enough. Just sometimes I just can't seem to win.

I just check my marks in one of my coarses, it is called Systems.
It was only a half a year coarse, but we had 3 assignments pluas and exam that were each worth alot. The final verdict is quite simple, if I get 50% on the exam I will end up with a 52% final mark. If I get 100% on the exam I will end up with a 72% mark. Ya....

So you can guess that it is a little depressing. My final project was worth 30% of my final, and my group got 42%. I put so much effort in to that and still I failed miserably. Now I have to write another exam tomorrow, which is only woth 10%, but I have no idea what I am studying. There are like 300 pages and none of them give me direct information. *sigh*

As I sit at my desk, there it is....that little spark of hatred...
The stress is gettig to me...and I wish I was back in high school where this week would be the easiest thing in the world for me. My music only drives me to want what I can not have.

It's ticking again...

The clock in my mind...

Counting down always...

I just want to let go and go bac to being depressed and miserable, think how easy and worthless it would be. Blaming the world for my problems. HA! What loser does that? This is my fate and I will raise up my shield and defend myself for what ever hell this world desires to cast me into.

Wanna know what I dream about?
Do you really wanna know?

I close my eyes and enter the depths of my mind.

I'm laying on a soft bed, in a dimly lit room. A fire place gives of most of the light and heat in the room, as I hear the creacks of the flames dancing acorss the wood. This house, this place is far away from everything. It is here I am bound to live, here I am bound to my happiness. As I slowly open my eyes a soft hand touches my head, their fingers running acorss my hair, scratching my head. A small tear escapes my eyes. The one thing I can not get enough of is affection, and I move my head closer to their hand. I close my eyes completely content..

This is my mind...

For as twisted as it may get, I assoicate my love for someone with devotion...

Well I survive, thanks to friends and my music..

"I will impersonate a man,
His name, Alan Sotehana...
A country gentalmen no longer young,

Being retried he has much time for books,
He studies them from morn to night..
And often through the morn and night again...

All he reads oppresses him,
Fills him with igdignation,
of mans muderous ways towards man...

He ponders the problem...

How to make better a world where
Evil brings profit
And virture non at all...

He lays down the mel conning burdon of Sanity..
And conceives of the strangest project ever imagined...

To be come a knight erand.

To sally forth to roam the world,
In search of adventure...
To right all wrongs...
To mount a crusade...
To raise up the weak and those in need...

No longer will be playing Alan Sotehana

But a dauntless knight known as
DON QUIJOTE OF LA MANCHA!!!"

I'm looking for Christmas...

2004-12-12T01:00:00.000-08:00

Twelve days and counting....yesh...

What I am going to do?

Me and chirstmas have a love hate relationship.

On the one had it is a great time of year, and I love getting time off from school, spending time with family an friends, and relaxing.

On the other hand I know as each day ends Christmas comes closer, and when it's here I will blink and it will be gone. There is a song and it goes something along the lines of:

"I'm as slow as Christmas, I got up before the dawn..
Up so fast I missed it, or is that old saying wrong.."

However right now that is not the only thing on my mind. I've only got 12 more days to get gifts for my family, 5 more days to find gifts for my friends, I have 3 exams, and stress is all around killing me slowly..*sigh*

How do you spell toast?
J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N

Well we will see.

I have been playing some GBA games I downloaded, (I figure Nintendo owes me from years of being a fan) so I don't usually buy GBA games. The games of this weekend have been Gundam Seed Destiny, an awesome Gundam game, tons of moble suits, and the other one Adam has been playing (I just cheated so see all the cool ghost) Shaman King.

Here is an animation I made of Yoh using his spirit Amidamaru and fusing him with his Antiquity.

Well Saturday I spent with Caley, we hung out and cuddled. Later we went skating, and also to a party with people from Tyson's soccer team. I had a great time being with her. And I didn't fall once! Although I think I only skated around the rink a total of like 3 times. ^-^;;;

Sunday I spent studying, then I relaized I needed a textbook I forgot in Res. So back I drove, getting lost on my way there and the way back took me forever. The rain, snow and traffic were murder. Finally my family went out together to see the movie national treasure. It was a great movie.

*yawn*

Well I'm off to bed, tommorow I am home alone and will be studying hard for my exam of Tuesday. Talk to you later.

I'm still here....

2004-12-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

Well look at the date..

It's December 7th and with 4 exams I have done it. I have survived one semester of Univeristy. Yup..I'm not crazy, I haven't committed suicide, and I am not failing any coarses. WOOT!

Now you might be wondering what kept me alive all this time, and what got me through the first half of the year. Well it was most likely my girlfriend Caley, Jenn's late night calls, and my parents. Yup, good times. Now I am preparing for exams. *Cries* I have 4! WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?!?!

heh...

If there is one thing I have learned it's that no matter how bad things look, as long as I don't give up I will always survive in the end. So I will study hard, and I will go into the exam and do my very best. I love Lord of the Rings! (Sorry I am watching it right now...^-^;;) . Well I must be go...

Back...
TO THE FUTURE.....

and remember

ALF IS BACK!

Final Fantasy...

2004-12-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ok folks here I go...
Time to crack my nuckles, get comfortable in my chair becasue I am about to go on a rant about:

FINAL FANTASY

Well it all started one fateful day when I visited my cousins in New York. Not the city but the state. They lived on lake Erie, and we would visit every once in a while. My cousin was playing FF7, and showed me the very first summons I had ever seen, Bahamut and Knights of the Rounds. And after seeing Sephiroth I had to have it. So I started my quest, to play final fantasy games. I love these games. Such intracate woven plots, twist, secrets, and AWESOME BOSSES!!! Like come on...

When I think a new final fantasy game the first thing I think of is how incredible the boss will be. I love em all, from Kefka to Vegnegun. They come in all shapes and size. From the human sized Sepheroth, to Neo X-death, and Sin. Sometimes the bosses are secret, or perhaps out in the open. But in each game when you start fighting is never what it end up being. The two largest bosses came from Final Fantasy X and X-2. The first is Sin, the ultamite summons created to desotry all machines in the world in spira. He lives and is defeated and is reborn ten years later in an endless cycle. Nothing but the hero's of our story could stand against him. The second is Vegnegun. A mechanical monster created to destroy the summoners. However it was never activated to battle sin. Later a wandering sprit who wants vengence on the world who killed the person he loved revives the machine. It is activated using a organ.

But they are not the only great bosses of the Final Fantasy series. But a hero could never defeat the Omnipotent force that threatens the existance of life on earth with out help form his summon spirits.

Through Final fantasy 1 through 12 each hero has been able to call such creatures as Bahamut, Odin, Ragnarok and Anima. There are over 25 different summons, each one with the power to aid the heros in their quest. They are usually ancient creatues who allow the heros to tap into their power and unleash it upon their enemies. One of the greatest summons is knights of the round. A summon where Cloud Strife calls upon the power of King Arthur and the knights of the round table. There are so many awesome ones, and with each game they look better and better. (The pic below is of Altima from FFTA but is redon in FFXII)

These games are the best. They allow me to escape my stress ridden world of reality and enter a world where I can be a hero. Someone who can save the world from a great devistating evil. These games are awesome. And once the completion of Final Fantasy 12 has finished it is rumoured that the series will come to it's end. However I look forward to their new project...

...Kingdom Hearts...

Lot 666....

2004-12-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

Lot 666 then...
A chandleiere in peices...

Some of you may recal the strange affair of the,
Phantom of the Opera,
A mystery never fuller explained...

We are told ladies and gentelmen,
That this is the very chanadlere which figures in the famous disaster...

Our work shops have repaired it,
And wire the parts of it for the new electric lights,
so we may get a hint of how it may look when reaswmbled...

Perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago...
With a little illumination...

Gentalmen....

Only 21 more days till the Phantom of the Opera hits theaters...and I will be the first in line. Well most likely not, but I will be seeing it opening day. I keep watching the trailer over and over again, that and the stress of school are driving me nuts. I can't wait for it to come out!!!

Sing for me my angel of music....sing...

I miss you.

2004-11-29T22:37:00.000-08:00

So many mixed emotions....

So many thoughts keep piling up in my mind.

Today was the first day I, myself actually did the laundry at residence. Before anyone who reads this says 'ew' it is becasue up until this point I have brought my laundry home to be washed every other weekend.

It was quite the adventrue. I needed two one dollar coins, one for the washer and one for the dryer. I had but one coin. So seeing as I needed some food and juice for the week I went to Dominion, where I bought fruit juice and licorice. Guess what? It cam to exactly 15 dollars in change. I would have asked the clerk to give me loonies instead of a 5 dollar bill, but as she handed me my change she had already ringed in the next two customers purchases. In my room I have a lot of spare change, mostly quarters. So and idea sparked in ym mind. I gathered up 9 quaters, or for those of you who aren't to quick with math, $2.25. I went to a vending machine and placed all the quarters inside. Then I bought Twix bar for $1.25, and out came exaclty one loonine in change.

Proboly the most exciting thing that happened to me today. Filling me with a feeling of acomplishment.

Then there is the feeling of love. Although I have not seen her for soon to be 3 weeks, Caley phoned my today, just as she always does. I feel bad becasue I know I need to call her just as much. Three times we talked on the phone. I love talking to her. What we talked about is irrelevent, just the fact that we talked. I closed my eyes as we spoke, imagining she was right there beside me. If only I could get a phone that had surround sound.

Now late at night I have another feeling.

sorrow.

I warn you, unless you feel like crying do not read. This is my mind and I do not sensor what I write for others.

I read aloud the poem I just recently posted on this blog, as if I was giving a speech. The sad thing is where would I say it. I know where. The vision fills my eyes. A funeral. Such things I do not desire to think about. But I know I must.

Every night I pray. I thank God for the day, I ask him to forgive the sinners, and to watch over everyone. But before all that I say good night. To my grandfather Pa, to my savior Jesus, to a friend who a barely knew Carlton, to my dreams of tommorow and the will I follow, Dragon Master. To my grandmother Ma, and my great grandmother Nanny. I know they are watching over me always.

When my grandfather died, it was strange. I wish I could remember how old I was, but I can't. All of my family and relitives cried. I suppose it was expected. I never expected such a thing. I went into the one building that too this day I hate to even look at, Scotts funeral home. There I said goodbye. As I sat in the church, where he used to go every sunday I cried. As I watched everyone around me cry. Is such sorrow meant to be? It was years later until I saw where his ashes had been placed. It was his death that began my infactuation with time itself and mortaility. I was so young, and out of rage I promised something I could not keep. That no one I loved would die again.

It's not that fact that they died that hurts the most. It the fact that you know they won't becomming around for coffee anymore or sitting you upon their knee. Oh if he was here now. I know he can see me, but to put his arm around me...

Carlton was the second time I went to that funeral home. He was my dad's friend, and I remember sitting out side the doors of the chapel and drawing. I was so little, yet as I look back I could never understand how mature I was. I drew the one hero I could always rely on, Dragon Master. The quote that accompanied the drawing was something along the lines of: "I shall always be here as long as people remember and need me.". Even if I was only 10, what kinda kid says something like that?

Then my grandmother passed away. I feel the need to type all this, but for no reason. My eyes are watering with each thought. Before that we visited her more and more often. She was in a small apartment, just big enough for her, and she always had guest. We would make her crafts and cards, and no matter how many she would always find room for them on the table. I have a harder time remember this funeral. There are certain thing I remember though. I tried so hard to show strength. To not cry, but just let the tears roll down my face. Each one of my grandmothers children (seven in total), thier eldest child carried the coffin to the car. I was the youngest of the first borns from each family. As the exterior doors opened I looked out to see the sky raining like the heavens themselves had nothing but tears. I said goodbye, and wacthed them drive away. We put her ashes next to my grandfathers. I was there for that, and we each placed a rose on top of the plaque.

The last death, was that of my great grandmother, who we all called Nanny. She was very old, but nothing could stop this determined woman. Every year, no matter what, she go on a plane and flew to Ireland for 4 months, and back. There was not a kinder soul I new. But she was very sick, and it was her time to go. I was 17 I believe. In the same chapel, in the same funeral home I played on the organ 'my heart will go on'. I didn't cry. I wrote her a card, and read it a loud to her and all who were there to remember her. When the casket was open I touched her hand. I will never forget the feeling of someone who is no longer with us. Still I didn't cry. I was dressed in black, with my leather trench coat on when we arrived at the cemetary. She was not cremated, but burried near a tree he late husband, who I never met, planted. Sure as I could be the heavens opened once more to hide my face. Tears broke my eyes and once again I cried, just as I wish I could do now.

I miss them.

But what kinda fool would I be if I didn't beleive I would see them again.
Cherish every moment of life, don't let a second go bye. Tell those you love how much you love them, get away from your video games, televisons and computers and spend time with those people around you. For one day they will be gone. Not forever, but for a while.

I will see you again,
and I love all of you...

but I will keep on living until that bright sun light cuts the horizon and I am called home.

God damn I miss you....

The Sunrise....

2004-11-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

Such things were never meant to happen...
But they do.
We lose those closest to us,
and we miss them more then anything else.
No bargins to be made,
just the cold truth that the dawn will come,
and that they will no longer be there.
All we can remember are the memories,
the times we shared,
and that they will always be with us,
in our hearts,
and watching over us each day.
Although we can not bring them back,
or replace them,
we just have to believe that we will see them again.
And when we do we will never have to say good bye.

One day,
One day the sun will rise and never set.
The world will be lush and full of life again...
As we stand there surounded by such beauty,
we wonder what could be missing.
And just as the thought crosses our minds there they are...
Everyone we have missed,
Everyone we have lost,
They walk towards us.
Tears roll down our faces as our hands touch,
for the first time in so long.

Together again,
No longer alone.

That sun rise will come.
Although I long for it,
I won't run towards it.
I will wait for the bright light to cut the horizon,
And for that day to come.

I know it is comming,

and I know I will see you again...

If there is one person..

2004-11-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

If there is one person I could love...
it would be you...

If there was one person I would give anything for...
it would be you...

A person I would laugh for...
A person I would cry for...

A person who I would take up in my arms, and carry forever...

A person who I would carry the weight of the world for....

A person who I would sheild from the falling stars of heaven...

That person is you...

Like a gasp of breath...
A flash of light...
As if the whole universe fell from existance...

In the darkness of oblivion....

You would light my way...

For all I need is you...

Just you...

Caley...

I love you...

Destiny....

2004-11-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

They call me destiny...

They call me dark...

They call me angel...

Or king of hearts...

but in the shadows, one name remains...

I am ryujin....

The king of games....

In the back of my mind, the never failing friend..

2004-11-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have that itching int he back of your mind?

Like a lost feeling...Something you just can't reach.
You think thoughts that aren't yours, but then I guess they are.
These thoughts influence your mood, your feelings, how you act and what you say.
Wish I could be rid of them.
Perhaps it will make and intresting story one day...

You know it's been getting darker and darker lately. By five o'clock the sun has set and the sky is black. You know I walk through the buildings on my way home. Like a dark alley way, a cold breeze as the wind blows through the leafless trees. I look around and see no one. But I'm not alone. He is there when ever I need him, an old friend. Just when I have forgotten I look up and there he is.

He breaks the darkness, and parts the clouds...

The moon..

A friend who comes and goes, it's so beautiful. For so long I have felt a conncetion to the moon. I don't know why. I always have loved the moon. Perhaps one of the reasons could have been that I knew that the moon I was looking at was the same moon my best friend was also seeing. I miss my friends, and although this is how this chapter of my life must play out it still has much to be desired. Our hero must simply make it a few more pages, then the next chapter may begin.

Glorious...

Let us keep reading...

I can't wait to see what happens next...

Life; the Adventure...

2004-11-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

ISN'T IT AWESOME!?!?

I sure thought so. Yes it's that time again. I am at residence this weekend. I am sitting here on the phone at my desk. I should be doing homework, and I will soon enough, I juts like to avoid it as much as possible. So I survived the first week, only two more until I get to go home again. *sigh* What is a boy to do?

Hmmm......*laughs* Sorry I was just looking at the guy loosing his pants again....

Ah yes the sounds, the music.

Keeping me company filling my mind with thoughts and idea's. I can't understand the words but the images fill my mind, I see a world that no one else has seen, a world I will one day create. So it's that time again, four more weeks of school. We are near the end.

Will I survive? Will I make it?

Yes I know I will, I can not fail. When ever it has come down to it, I will always prevail. I can not fall or falter from my dreams, I am a knight and I will uphold all that I beleive in. My family, my friends, my love, and hope.

What a wonderful world I live in, full of adventure everyday. I love life, no matter what comes my way, it is times like this that I realize how luck I am.

Life is the greatest adventure of all....

That is something I truly believe. For if it's not, what is the point of living at all? No matter how grey the skys, no matter how cold the wind, it is all about being alive. Are you alive? Shadow or light it doesn't matter eveerything that breaths air is lucky and although I forget sometimes, I am too.

I am the King of Hearts...

2004-11-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

KINGDOM HEARTS: CHAIN OF MEMORIES
IS AWESOME!!!!!

Well as of last thursday Kingdom hearts Chain of Memories came out in Japan. Three hours later I downloaded it onto my hard drive and four days later I had beaten the game. Awesome isn't it? I can't even read Japanese!!! ^-^;;;

So in our story our hero, Sora is lead down the path a mysterious unknown and is brought to Castle oblivion. Here he must relive his past memories and make his way through the floors to the top of the Castle. Along the way his memories are altered by 6 people from an ogrinazation called 'The Order'. They are usuing a young girl named Namie to replace his memories for an unkown reason.

The coolest and of the six Order members we see in the game (there are 13 in total) is Marlusha. He is ranked 12 of 13 (the higher the number the stronger they are). He has an awsome weapon and in his final form rides on a huge armoured machine.

MARLUSHA

After you beat him the game restarts and now you play as Riku stating at the 12 floor in the basement of Castle oblivion. You make your way up, as the Order tries to stop him, until you reach the ground floor where you are joined by Mickey and the Crimson King known in Japanese as Dis. The game ends with only 1 out of 6 Order members still alive, Sora in a hibernation in the tip of the Castle, and Mickey and Riku join Dis as two new Order members.

Then you see the ending credits and three images of a kid we see in many Kingdom hearts 2 videos. We have never seen his face, but these images reveal that he is another Sora......

I WANT KINGDOM HEARTS 2!!!!!!!!

The world of Dreams....

2004-11-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

I hear them now..
chanting....
calling me...
yes I feel it...

Who was I kidding?

Apparently not them.
But who are they? What is this music I hear? Why does it caputre me in it's words? Words I can not even understand? Yet somewhere I inside of me I can hear them, feel them..

Let there voice fill my soul...
Or is it just filling the void of a lost memory?

I awake from my bed and sit up. The room is much larger than I remember it. The walls are are white marble. Infact this is not my bed. It is a four poster victorian bed with red sheets and draipery. I look to my right to see three huge window, covered by the same red curtains. I throw the sheets off of me, and stand up out of the bed. I look down, and reveal that I am already dressed. I have a white shirt on, with blue pants. I am wearing black leather boots and a blue coar, trimmed with gold lining. I touch my ear to feel an earing, where one should not have been. I slowly walk towards the window to try and make some understanding about where I am. The world is not like the one I left when I closed my eyes. The only thing that is similar is the fullmoon staring down upon me...

...what place is this?
...what strange fantasy has lead me here?
...Is this my escape?

Buring the candle at both ends...

2004-11-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

I am wearing myself...

I can feel it.
I am begining to get a cough, I am always yawning, and I am starting to developt perminant black bags under my eyes.

It seems so lonely when you know your friends are asleep and your awake. There is no one to talk too. I am jelous of them. why must my life be filled with never ending work? Mabye it's becasue I am slow and don't work fast enough.

I want a time to rest. A time to relax, not race to a deadline everyday. I want time to work on my manga. But there is no time for anything. I brough the Playstation 2 to my dorm over a month ago, and I still have yet to turn it on.

Why can't I live in a magical dream world where I can sleep all the time?

And I close my eyes...

I see a green hill with an oak tree at the top...

it leaves haslt the warm sun...

creating a shaded place to rest...

I take her hand, and lead her to the base of the tree...

I kiss her hand and let her head rest on my shoulders...

for I would carry the burden of her mind when ever she needed me too...

Her eyes close and I watch her drift asleep...

A few green leaves touch the soft grass that I sit on...

I lean my head againt hers and close my eyes,

as a soft summer breaze kiss my cheeks....

I am falling...

falling asleep...

falling into her heart...

fall in to her dreams...

Falling in love....

but the I realize it...

I have already fallen...

and my heart is hers and hers alone..

and forever I will be by herside....

now and forever...

I am the light..

2004-11-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

"I now know without a doubt that Kingdom Hearts....

...is LIGHT!"

Yes light...I see it...I feel it now..

It is all I desire.

I am so tired of SHADOWS.

I am so tired of the darkness I post on this blog.

It just brings me further and further down.

To the point when the only thing I can do it sleep, and let my mind rest from it's conflict.

LEAVE ME ALONE DARKNESS!!!

I am yours no more..

That's right. I want the to be the Dragon Master again. Someone who seeks light, and goodness.....

You may find the hint of shadow here once in a while, but it is time I revealed that my heart is light not darkness. That I have a loving girlfriend, loving family and loving friends. What more do I need? School maybe hard, and sometimes I am presented with huge obsticles, but life is the greatest adventrue of all.

And I close my eyes...

and a thousnd life times are recalled...

and I am happy...

So for all of you out there, no more masks or shadows, it's the truth...

I am the DRAGON MASTER

THE PALADIN OF LIGHT!

The Twisted Shadow...

2004-11-03T18:08:00.000-08:00

Oh yes I am...
One of the best ways to describe it....
I find it to be quiet funny....

Yes I live in my isolated room, day in and day out. I live through my drawings and my music...
On my floor, in residence, I am like a ghost....or perhaps a Phantom....
Yes a Phantom...
Sing for me my angel of music.....sing...

This Phantom is become more machine than man now. Behind the closed doors of my room, I sit beside the phone, the television and of coarse my computer. My window to the outside world. My gate way. But it's the world I chose. And it's the one I was meant to choose. Right?

So I live as an number online. Or if you would attach a name, Lord Dragon Master. hidden behind my avatars and images. Does anyone really know the shadow?
A shadow who twist around the truth and reality. Moving from good and evil, and always desiring the most out of both of them?

I know people read this, and for those of you who do you are privileged...
For you see here is where I hide no secrets. In the real world, or even on the phone, I have to hide. but hear I have no face, no voice. I have nothing to fear. Here I am....the truth. I think at least....

I am a master of illusions...
The real question is for those who no me...
do they know I am putting on a mask?

The mask to hide the God scared eye.

Then there is my music. Ah yes....
My organ, and my symphony...
my comforting sounds...

You see in the bliss of their voices I can imagine I am else where. In one of my fantasies. With my eyes closed under a beautiful green tree, as the calm stream moves beside me. The wind carries a warm breeze, and I smile.

Paradise........

then I am awoken by the soft touch of my angels kiss, as her lips touch my forehead. Her soft hands touch my face....

You are teasing me again, I tell my mind.
But I shall allow it. I will find it sooner or later...

That I shall swear....

The Chaos...

2004-09-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am lonely, but what else is new?

I have become my own worst enemy. Thought the days of Citoria have long since faded, I wish for him to return, so at least I might have someone to talk to.

To dance....

The dance of life...
of dreams.....
Of happiness....

I dream now...
Dreaming of a world I wish to come...
I want to cry, for this world is beyond my grasp, as I sit here in a cold room, listening to my music. I desire to be surrounded by friends, family, people who love me, appreiciat me, not alienate me. But this is my sad little world now. And I will be damned if I let it do me in now.

So how do I cure....no...justify such an existance? With hope. I shall practice my drawings so I may publish my works, and I will work even harder in school, so I may surpass all who stand in my way. So I may climb my way to the top and take those I hold closest to me with me.

It's my destiny to do great things. When I was born I am sure none beleived I would conquer the world, or take over an empire. Just another average boy. But I swear I will become great, and this world will fear me...

but it is not fear I want from the world....

....................

The Angel of Music

2004-09-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have done it.
I have moved away to Toronto, where I am going to be living in residnce for the next year of school. My neighbours are people I have never met before. I am away from my family, my home, my friends, now there is just me.

We are encouraged to leave our doors open to our rooms. That way passses by will be more encouraged to step in and talk to you. I do all I can to be friendly with the others, but for the most part I am alone.

When someone new moves onto the floor, and everyone is introducing themselves, it is amusing how they introduce me.

"You will hear him, before you see him..."

Which in some way is true. There is one thing I cannot live without, at it is music, my music. I brought with my keyboard, and you can hear me down the hall playing Toccata and Fuge on Pipe Organ mode. It's really all I have...

As I sit alone in that room, it feels so empty. My world has yet to begin, oh, but it shall...

I am about to restart my own programming...

The first program has ended...
I have played my part well...
Now it is time for the second one to start.

I am about to become the very Phantom himself, and all they shall see of me is a glance, a whisper, and the sound of the Organ comming though the cracks in my door. I am about to escape this world, and deliver myself into another.

This is the only way, and I will do it...

care to join me?

Touch by the heart...

2004-08-26T17:43:00.000-07:00

I am sometimes a cold person.
And I have my share of problems.
However, if there is one thing I cannont stand and that is having a problem I cannot solve.

Today at 8:30, we found a stray cat wandering around my house. Now we have our own indoor cat. We have had him for 4 years and I love him dearly. The cat that has been drifitng around we have not spent a second thought. We assumed it was an outdoor cat, just wandering around. However tonight we looked at it and noticed it was really really skinny. We beleive that is has been left behind by it's owner. When we went to feed it, just a little bit of cat food, becasue we didn't want it hanging about, it devoured it in seconds. The poor cat was starved. We got it some more food, and despite my love and loyalty to my cat, I couldn't help go outside and see it.

It was so small, eating away like it had never seen food before. Then it dawned on me.

This cat is alone.
No food, no friends, no family. No one to hold it, care about it, cradle it in their arms. He is alone, unloved. These facts weight heavy on my shoulders. Although I already know that there is little I can do, I can't help it. Somethings have the ability to touch my heart.

I can feel it taking over me. The confusion the chaos, as I write it consumes me. How can I create a paradice if I cannot even save the soul and heart of one helpless cat. Imagine it. You've lived in a house with your family, for your whole life. Then one day you blink and you are on your own. In a world you don't know how to handle. Without the skills you'd need. No chance to turn back. You have NOTHING.....

Then I look in the reflection of the computer screen, and it hits me. It would appear that Cat and I share some similarities. For soon I shall be gone to University, out into the world which I know so little about. Is it the cat I feel sorrow for? Or my self?

The good news is we wil be taking the cat to the pound, where they might beable to use a microchip to identify him, and perhaps return him to his home. If not, I pray to God, that he find that poor animal a home, with a family who loves him.

For that is all I wish for........

The Count Down....

2004-08-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Tick tock ...
Tick tock ...
Tick tock...

Time is still passing. Growing closer and further at each passing moment...

The Summer is ending, and the school year is about to begin. For me it will be the start of a completely different life style. I am going to Ryerson universty and as such I will be living on Residence. I have never lived away from my family, for any amount of time. This will be completely new to me. I have my own room and washroom, I don't have to share with anybody. I will live behind my laptop, surround by the four walls that will enclose around me day and night. Perhaps I will draw a comic and paster is on the wall, so that is tells a story each time you look at it.

So many things will change.
No close family.
No close friends.
No one but my reflection...

It's alright though. I am used to looking into my own eyes. It's my own doing and my own self inflicted curse. At least that is what I claim. If I blame anyone but myself I seem like another agnsty teen who hates the world. I am not like that. I am my own demon and one day I may find a reason to change. Until then Time ticks on.....

Tick tock...
Tick tock ...
Tick tock.....

The Motivation

2004-08-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

Funny how the world works isn't it?
I was working away in a warehouse, where I had found a job as a shipper for the summer, and was listening to a CD I had burned, through 4 computer speakers that had been hooked up to my MP3 Player. Then a song came on called "Angel watching over me". This song for some reason entranced me. My mind started thinking of something completely off topic from what i was doing. Before I knew it I had a marker in my hand and as if to the beat and words of the music I began to write. I was writing faster than I could think of what to write next, almost like the words were not mine. When I had finish scratching the sentances down I came up with this...

And thus he was, as he was before
alone....

And in his darkness he saw her,
as beautiful as she once was,
an angel in his eyes...

She smiled,
but he could do nothing but stare,
entranced in her presence...

The she faded into the shadows,
that he had surrounded himslef with...

Tears rolled down his face as he whispered to the shadows,
"Don't leave me....."
"Don't leave me again..."

but she was gone,
and as his tears touched the floor
his left eye bled...

When he looked in the reflection of his own sorrow he found him...

Citoria....

Stange I would say...But one question still remains...
Am I haunted by the ghost of my own creation?

The Start....

2004-06-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Well it seems I have actually found a use for this site, if only to record the thoughts any feelings of a teenager, who none will ever know. Perhaps it is just the idea that by raving on about something on here that someone might see, is enough to make me do it.

Allow me to start with the introductions....

My name is, and shall only be recognized as Citoria.

To some this name means evil. An angel cast out of heaven and hell, wanted by no one. Or a being who was betrayed and misued, full of mercy and compassion for others. Either way that is the name I abide by. Not stolen from anything, completly from myself.

The history of Citoria is a long one, and perhaps I will feel the need to tell it one day, but for now a name will have to do. Now that that is out of the way I may continue with my thoughts and feelings. Happiness, sadness, lonelyness, anger, hatred, vengence......

A word I will cast down upon everyone around me....
For it is all I desire....
and it is something I will obtain...