Check out my Art! http://lorddragonmaster.deviantart.comI miss you.
So many mixed emotions....
So many thoughts keep piling up in my mind.
Today was the first day I, myself actually did the laundry at residence. Before anyone who reads this says 'ew' it is becasue up until this point I have brought my laundry home to be washed every other weekend.
It was quite the adventrue. I needed two one dollar coins, one for the washer and one for the dryer. I had but one coin. So seeing as I needed some food and juice for the week I went to Dominion, where I bought fruit juice and licorice. Guess what? It cam to exactly 15 dollars in change. I would have asked the clerk to give me loonies instead of a 5 dollar bill, but as she handed me my change she had already ringed in the next two customers purchases. In my room I have a lot of spare change, mostly quarters. So and idea sparked in ym mind. I gathered up 9 quaters, or for those of you who aren't to quick with math, $2.25. I went to a vending machine and placed all the quarters inside. Then I bought Twix bar for $1.25, and out came exaclty one loonine in change.
Proboly the most exciting thing that happened to me today. Filling me with a feeling of acomplishment.
Then there is the feeling of love. Although I have not seen her for soon to be 3 weeks, Caley phoned my today, just as she always does. I feel bad becasue I know I need to call her just as much. Three times we talked on the phone. I love talking to her. What we talked about is irrelevent, just the fact that we talked. I closed my eyes as we spoke, imagining she was right there beside me. If only I could get a phone that had surround sound.
Now late at night I have another feeling.
sorrow.
I warn you, unless you feel like crying do not read. This is my mind and I do not sensor what I write for others.
I read aloud the poem I just recently posted on this blog, as if I was giving a speech. The sad thing is where would I say it. I know where. The vision fills my eyes. A funeral. Such things I do not desire to think about. But I know I must.
Every night I pray. I thank God for the day, I ask him to forgive the sinners, and to watch over everyone. But before all that I say good night. To my grandfather Pa, to my savior Jesus, to a friend who a barely knew Carlton, to my dreams of tommorow and the will I follow, Dragon Master. To my grandmother Ma, and my great grandmother Nanny. I know they are watching over me always.
When my grandfather died, it was strange. I wish I could remember how old I was, but I can't. All of my family and relitives cried. I suppose it was expected. I never expected such a thing. I went into the one building that too this day I hate to even look at, Scotts funeral home. There I said goodbye. As I sat in the church, where he used to go every sunday I cried. As I watched everyone around me cry. Is such sorrow meant to be? It was years later until I saw where his ashes had been placed. It was his death that began my infactuation with time itself and mortaility. I was so young, and out of rage I promised something I could not keep. That no one I loved would die again.
It's not that fact that they died that hurts the most. It the fact that you know they won't becomming around for coffee anymore or sitting you upon their knee. Oh if he was here now. I know he can see me, but to put his arm around me...
Carlton was the second time I went to that funeral home. He was my dad's friend, and I remember sitting out side the doors of the chapel and drawing. I was so little, yet as I look back I could never understand how mature I was. I drew the one hero I could always rely on, Dragon Master. The quote that accompanied the drawing was something along the lines of: "I shall always be here as long as people remember and need me.". Even if I was only 10, what kinda kid says something like that?
Then my grandmother passed away. I feel the need to type all this, but for no reason. My eyes are watering with each thought. Before that we visited her more and more often. She was in a small apartment, just big enough for her, and she always had guest. We would make her crafts and cards, and no matter how many she would always find room for them on the table. I have a harder time remember this funeral. There are certain thing I remember though. I tried so hard to show strength. To not cry, but just let the tears roll down my face. Each one of my grandmothers children (seven in total), thier eldest child carried the coffin to the car. I was the youngest of the first borns from each family. As the exterior doors opened I looked out to see the sky raining like the heavens themselves had nothing but tears. I said goodbye, and wacthed them drive away. We put her ashes next to my grandfathers. I was there for that, and we each placed a rose on top of the plaque.
The last death, was that of my great grandmother, who we all called Nanny. She was very old, but nothing could stop this determined woman. Every year, no matter what, she go on a plane and flew to Ireland for 4 months, and back. There was not a kinder soul I new. But she was very sick, and it was her time to go. I was 17 I believe. In the same chapel, in the same funeral home I played on the organ 'my heart will go on'. I didn't cry. I wrote her a card, and read it a loud to her and all who were there to remember her. When the casket was open I touched her hand. I will never forget the feeling of someone who is no longer with us. Still I didn't cry. I was dressed in black, with my leather trench coat on when we arrived at the cemetary. She was not cremated, but burried near a tree he late husband, who I never met, planted. Sure as I could be the heavens opened once more to hide my face. Tears broke my eyes and once again I cried, just as I wish I could do now.
I miss them.
But what kinda fool would I be if I didn't beleive I would see them again.
Cherish every moment of life, don't let a second go bye. Tell those you love how much you love them, get away from your video games, televisons and computers and spend time with those people around you. For one day they will be gone. Not forever, but for a while.
I will see you again,
and I love all of you...
but I will keep on living until that bright sun light cuts the horizon and I am called home.
God damn I miss you....
So many thoughts keep piling up in my mind.
Today was the first day I, myself actually did the laundry at residence. Before anyone who reads this says 'ew' it is becasue up until this point I have brought my laundry home to be washed every other weekend.
It was quite the adventrue. I needed two one dollar coins, one for the washer and one for the dryer. I had but one coin. So seeing as I needed some food and juice for the week I went to Dominion, where I bought fruit juice and licorice. Guess what? It cam to exactly 15 dollars in change. I would have asked the clerk to give me loonies instead of a 5 dollar bill, but as she handed me my change she had already ringed in the next two customers purchases. In my room I have a lot of spare change, mostly quarters. So and idea sparked in ym mind. I gathered up 9 quaters, or for those of you who aren't to quick with math, $2.25. I went to a vending machine and placed all the quarters inside. Then I bought Twix bar for $1.25, and out came exaclty one loonine in change.
Proboly the most exciting thing that happened to me today. Filling me with a feeling of acomplishment.
Then there is the feeling of love. Although I have not seen her for soon to be 3 weeks, Caley phoned my today, just as she always does. I feel bad becasue I know I need to call her just as much. Three times we talked on the phone. I love talking to her. What we talked about is irrelevent, just the fact that we talked. I closed my eyes as we spoke, imagining she was right there beside me. If only I could get a phone that had surround sound.
Now late at night I have another feeling.
sorrow.
I warn you, unless you feel like crying do not read. This is my mind and I do not sensor what I write for others.
I read aloud the poem I just recently posted on this blog, as if I was giving a speech. The sad thing is where would I say it. I know where. The vision fills my eyes. A funeral. Such things I do not desire to think about. But I know I must.
Every night I pray. I thank God for the day, I ask him to forgive the sinners, and to watch over everyone. But before all that I say good night. To my grandfather Pa, to my savior Jesus, to a friend who a barely knew Carlton, to my dreams of tommorow and the will I follow, Dragon Master. To my grandmother Ma, and my great grandmother Nanny. I know they are watching over me always.
When my grandfather died, it was strange. I wish I could remember how old I was, but I can't. All of my family and relitives cried. I suppose it was expected. I never expected such a thing. I went into the one building that too this day I hate to even look at, Scotts funeral home. There I said goodbye. As I sat in the church, where he used to go every sunday I cried. As I watched everyone around me cry. Is such sorrow meant to be? It was years later until I saw where his ashes had been placed. It was his death that began my infactuation with time itself and mortaility. I was so young, and out of rage I promised something I could not keep. That no one I loved would die again.
It's not that fact that they died that hurts the most. It the fact that you know they won't becomming around for coffee anymore or sitting you upon their knee. Oh if he was here now. I know he can see me, but to put his arm around me...
Carlton was the second time I went to that funeral home. He was my dad's friend, and I remember sitting out side the doors of the chapel and drawing. I was so little, yet as I look back I could never understand how mature I was. I drew the one hero I could always rely on, Dragon Master. The quote that accompanied the drawing was something along the lines of: "I shall always be here as long as people remember and need me.". Even if I was only 10, what kinda kid says something like that?
Then my grandmother passed away. I feel the need to type all this, but for no reason. My eyes are watering with each thought. Before that we visited her more and more often. She was in a small apartment, just big enough for her, and she always had guest. We would make her crafts and cards, and no matter how many she would always find room for them on the table. I have a harder time remember this funeral. There are certain thing I remember though. I tried so hard to show strength. To not cry, but just let the tears roll down my face. Each one of my grandmothers children (seven in total), thier eldest child carried the coffin to the car. I was the youngest of the first borns from each family. As the exterior doors opened I looked out to see the sky raining like the heavens themselves had nothing but tears. I said goodbye, and wacthed them drive away. We put her ashes next to my grandfathers. I was there for that, and we each placed a rose on top of the plaque.
The last death, was that of my great grandmother, who we all called Nanny. She was very old, but nothing could stop this determined woman. Every year, no matter what, she go on a plane and flew to Ireland for 4 months, and back. There was not a kinder soul I new. But she was very sick, and it was her time to go. I was 17 I believe. In the same chapel, in the same funeral home I played on the organ 'my heart will go on'. I didn't cry. I wrote her a card, and read it a loud to her and all who were there to remember her. When the casket was open I touched her hand. I will never forget the feeling of someone who is no longer with us. Still I didn't cry. I was dressed in black, with my leather trench coat on when we arrived at the cemetary. She was not cremated, but burried near a tree he late husband, who I never met, planted. Sure as I could be the heavens opened once more to hide my face. Tears broke my eyes and once again I cried, just as I wish I could do now.
I miss them.
But what kinda fool would I be if I didn't beleive I would see them again.
Cherish every moment of life, don't let a second go bye. Tell those you love how much you love them, get away from your video games, televisons and computers and spend time with those people around you. For one day they will be gone. Not forever, but for a while.
I will see you again,
and I love all of you...
but I will keep on living until that bright sun light cuts the horizon and I am called home.
God damn I miss you....
1 Comments:
everyone misses something or someone at one point or another in life. It is just the way things go. I agree there are always so many mixed emotions... and longing and missing are the most painful. lol ok im done ranting. have a good one hun.
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