Suffering...

Kiss me in the sun…
Away from all the darkness…
But in the end I know the truth…
I feel so empty…
I know I am not empty , but my mind tell me differently…
It is creating it’s own pain…
Because no pain exist…
No more tragedy…
Perhaps that is what it is waiting for….
Something terrible…
For pity…
For a reason to hate…
I don’t have a reason…
Could it be that I like it when I suffered?
I could use the darkness…
When I suffer speak of happiness
When I fell happiness I await suffering.
I feel this is how I shall die…
In search of Happiness…
Or desiring suffering…
What have I done to myself?
Why cant I go back in time.
To a point when this all started…
To change the past…
Why cant I?

I am here...

Dear world...

I must warn you that I have every intension of rambling on in this blog entry. I have no reaosn not to. I sit here at 12:30 in the morning, in my room. A room I will be in for only a few more days, then is will be back to home. A world where I will get a job, and work the summer away. I have 2 exams left, and as I sit here I can already feel the comming doom. If I fail any of my coarses it of coarse will be my own fault, but I will not just be letting down my self but my parents as well. They did pay for my first year of University, and gave me a lot of money for projects. If I failed for one reaosn or another, I will have wasted everything they gave me over the past 7 months. To error is human. And against all test that is what I am. This year I have bought alot of yugioh cards, and as I think back now I ask myself was it worth it? I paly my brother about 4 times a week, and about every 6 months I play some other people. In the end it is a game that will die off. I would like to one day when I am older and have kids call up Nate, who I hope would be living near by, and ask him to get out that old box with his cards in them. I kids wouldnt understnad what we were doing. But we would. We could laugh. Heh. Nate living next to me. Such is my prefect world. Perhaps that is what I will ramble on about now. Yes I think I shall...

So a perfect world? By this time I am 35. I live in a decent sized house on a court. This area is on the edge of town, not in the crowded center. I live with the love of my life Caley, who would be dressed each moring in her suit off to the Law firm which she is part of. I say goodbye to my children as they catch the bus. My two boys and little girl, as they run out the front door on a warm spring day. Seeing them makes me wonder if this how my father felt when he watch us grow up. I sit at the kitchen table and drink my tea, I never had a taste for coffee. I kiss Caley good bye and she heads off to work. I am the head of my own architectual firm, and always had a bad habit as someone said in class of "showing up fashionably late". I walked out the front door and looked around the coart at the houses. I knew who lived in each one of them. For we were such close friends. I hear the door open next door to see Nathan, age 34, walk out with his son and daughter on his way to drive them to school. They missed the bus again. I smile and say hello. Nate is the producer of some very popular tv series. Across the street Jenn goes to her car with her latest fashion design. He Daughter made it to the bus on time. and Jenn waves and says "Hey Jon" as she drives by. Adam of coarse also lives on this court. But his two daughter and son go to school with their mom, who is a teacher at the school. Jakki who is advertising stubmles out to her car followed by her four children. Her husband kisses her good bye as she drives off to her job. I walk back in the house and put on my jacket and get in my own car. I phone over to the firm and tell them I will be a little later than usual. I drive over to my parents house and say hello, and stop in for a visit. As I drive away I look into the clear blue sky and think of how wonderful life is. Our lives have become busy, and there is no longer time to sit around and type on blogs. But it is a wonderful life.

I cant wait for it. There will be struggles...hard times, but in the end everything works out the way it should.

I cant wait.

Crazy Dreams....

Well last night I once again entered the crazy world of my dreams...

I was in a school, and this was no ordinary school. If I had to guess it seemed a lot like Hogwarts, but more twisted than a Dr. Zues book. There we for main levels, 2 were evil and 2 were good. The thing was there were so many passages that finding a paticular level was confusing. An example would be if I want to get from one light level to the other light level. I would go through this hidden door, down some stairs in to a small corridor, to go acorss that hall to stairs that went up, but those lead to the evil level, and then up one more to get to the second good level again. I had to go down, up, up, to get to the floor above me. Anyways, things were weird here.

I had to fight some monsters who borke into the school to steal a book of time, that could tell the future if you could read it's language. They were attacking students, and one paticular girl who could read the book. I stepped up and told them to stop. So I challenged them. They could turn into any monster and I would summon one to fight them. I glanced at the book of time, and for some reason I could read the pages and I saw that the outcome of winning meant I had to summon the creature listed there, though I said the spell I do not think I will ever remember it's name. So I summoned it, not knowing what it would do, and to my suprize it attached itself to my enemy and began a countdown time. Then as the time reached zero the monster it was attached to exploded. So the others left.

Needless to say it was extreamly crazy, and as we were walking through all the rooms I kept saying that Hogwarts was never this bad. As if I had once gone to that school..

Phantom? Did you say Phantom?

So I was on Gaia, when I cam across a Phantom of the Opera Guild. I decided that it would be nice to join. But to join you have to send the guild a letter telling why they should let you in.

Heh....

why should they let me in?

This what I wrote:

Heh...

Lot 666....a chandelier in peices...

I am a Phantom of the Opera nut. I dressed up as him for Halloween, creating a mask that perfectly fit my face. I have been to the stage production in 3 different countries. I own all 5 versions of the Phantom of the Opera song. I sneak into churches just to play the Phantom Oveture on the Organ. I draw the Phantom in Anime all the time. I call my girl friend the Angel of Music becasue she can sing, and on every anniversary I give her a single red rose with a black ribbon tied around it.

If it wasn't for my sence of logic I would go around claiming I was the Phantom.

This is where I belong.


Oh if only I was normal ^-^
Thank you.

Waiting...

What am I waiting for?

No particularly a question of when but what.

I am not waiting for time to pass, nor a time to come.

I am merely waiting.

This is what one does in this world.

Wait…

You wait all the time.

For the train, for food, for communication.

But why are you waiting?

Because you must.

Because you must wit away your life.

Everything takes time, your time.

My time.

However for me I am waiting for something.

Yes a something.

An explanation that only creates a substance.

Giving it no form and no definition.

My what?

My paradise.

A place, not a time…

Where I can find my eternal happiness.

And I will not have to waiting anymore in this world.

A place where I can be with those I love.

My place.

Their place.

I want to grasp it in my hand.

That feeling.

Oh I have experienced it a few time.

For a little while.

But some of those memories can no longer be repeated.

Time has made sure of that.

So what am I waiting for?

For the Sunrise to more across my face,

And greet me with it’s warmth.

For the days to come when I will no longer have to wait.

For that place, anymore.

It’s coming…

It is just a matter of waiting.

His name was Controller....

Catch up with the present...

Ok ok....

So I know I have a lot to catch up with, but what do you want. It's not like some person out there is hanging on to my blog entries like it's their only reason for living. One can only hope.

But the last 2 weeks have been 'intresting'. HAHAHAHAHA....'intrestring'.....

Well our story starts off two weeks ago, the week of Febuary 14, a week that will BURN FOREVER!!! To start off I was sick from staying up all night on Sunday to finish a project. So I was dying. I also had a huge project due friday that I worked till 12 of Tuesday one. Then on Wendsday I had an in class assignment. Then all wendsday I spent studying for my Mid term on Thursday, then I stayed up all night Thursday to finish the Project due friday. And friday came and I got to go home!!! Although I got about 3 hours of sleep, I was running on back up energy and didn't sleep until friday night.

ENTER READING WEEK!!

So I spent Saturday with Caley and we had a great time. She cooked dinner and a cake, and it was so wonderful. Then on Sunday, Nate was supposed to come up, but didn't. Loser. Then monday I started scanning photo's for my dad, and we had Jenn's birthday. Nobody but me, Jenn, Caley and Noelle showed. *Sigh* Then tuesday I did photo's again, went to Caley's and the slept over at Jenn's. Wensday I went to work with my mom. Thursday I picked up Caley from school and she cam over, and Friday I brought her over too. Saturday I got my hair cut, and we had a family night with movies and games, Sunday I saw Caley, scanned photo's and came back here.

NOW I WANT TO CRY!!!

to much work....
I have 10 projects that I know about to do.

However in 9 more days I am off to Florida, and that will be great!

The Fox Demon Dream....

I was there with my friends. We seem to be in the middle of no where, resting on some large ruins. I remember a large rock I was sitting on, and to my right an old stone wall. Then out of no where before me came a demon, who looked very much like a human, and she was carrying a small girl, who looked as though she was no older than ten. The girl was badly injured and we all rush towards the demon. The demon told us the girl was dying and if we wanted to help her we would have to trade something for the girl. When we offered the demon refused, and so we asked what she wanted. She smirked and told me she needed a lock of my hair. Slightly hesitant, but knowing we need to save the girl,
I walked towards her and let her cut off a piece. The moment the demon did I knew something was wrong. I was changing. The Demon laughed and dropped the girl, before disappearing. My head started to hurt and I fell to my knees, as my friends gathered around me or help the girl. They asked what was wrong, but in my mind I was going insane. My eyes, my ears, every part of me started to hurt. My ears changed so they looked like that of a fox and I grew a fox tail. Something inside me told me to run, but I barely got 20 feet before I collapsed onto the floor.

I then awake in my dorm room, with a cool towel on my head. The next part is more of a blur, but I go on some little mission, sneaking around my dorm room trying to stop someone from doing something.

Then there was some guy who had a pet dog who was supposed to help me, because my mind and body still hurt from the demon transformation. I layed on the bed and he cast some spell that filled my body with a sharp pain then it was all gone. My hair turned white and I had the ability to turn invisible. Of coarse I still had my fox ears and tail. Then I woke up.